Honoring Final Wishes: The First Step in Managing Grief
The loss of an older loved one is never easy, but respecting their final wishes can provide a sense of peace and direction during the grieving process. Whether the person passes suddenly or after a long illness or disability, such as in a long-term care setting, dealing with grief becomes more manageable when family members focus on fulfilling the desires of the deceased.
For many, this involves honoring funeral preferences and respecting spiritual or religious rituals, which often play an integral role in saying goodbye.
When a loved one has been in long-term care, either at home or in a facility, the grief can be more complicated, especially if their condition led to a prolonged physical or cognitive decline. Longevity means we hold on to our loved ones for much longer, but longevity often leads to long-term care needs due to chronic illness, mobility difficulties, dementia, or frailty.
In these cases, starting with their final wishes can offer a path forward, helping you and your family focus on how your loved ones wanted to be remembered rather than on the difficulties of the final days or years.
Whether those wishes are religious, spiritual, or simply a celebration of life, honoring them can help alleviate some of the emotional burden and grief you and other family members will feel.
Buddhist Funerals vs. Christian and Jewish Funerals
Funeral practices vary significantly depending on religious beliefs, and this is especially true when comparing Buddhist, Christian, and Jewish funerals.
A Buddhist funeral typically focuses on the cycle of death and rebirth, with rituals designed to help the deceased achieve a peaceful reincarnation.
A Buddhist funeral serves as a ritual to free the deceased from samsara, the cycle of death and rebirth, and help them achieve nirvana, the ultimate state of liberation. It also provides an important opportunity for the living to express their grief, offer prayers, and pay their respects, reflecting on the impermanence of life and the spiritual journey of the departed.
Monks may chant, and attendees may offer incense or flowers. The body is often cremated, although burial is also practiced in some traditions. Buddhist funerals, if you choose a Buddhist funeral package, emphasize simplicity and mindfulness, reflecting the core teachings of Buddhism.
Christian Funerals
In contrast, Christian funerals often center on the belief in eternal life. Retired Cardinal Raymond Leo Burke writes that the care we take in burying loved ones expresses faith in victory over everlasting death.
Since the beginning of the Church, special liturgical rites have accompanied the burial of the dead. They express the faith both of the deceased members of the faithful and of the Christian community entrusted with the responsibility of burying reverently her members who have died.
They typically include a service led by clergy, readings from the Bible, prayers, and hymns. Christians may be buried or cremated, but the focus is often on the promise of resurrection and life after death.
Jewish Funerals
Jewish funerals, meanwhile, are typically simple and occur quickly after death. According to Jewish law, tradition, and customs, a Jewish funeral typically takes place within 24 hours of death.
The Jewish service is solemn and reflective, focusing on honoring the deceased and offering prayers. Following the funeral, the mourners return home to begin Shiva, a seven-day mourning period. During this time, mourners remain at home and receive visitors who come to provide comfort, pray, and reflect on the loss.
Jewish tradition encourages a deep mourning period, where activities that involve beautification or celebration of life are avoided, allowing the mourners to focus on spiritual healing and reflection.
They emphasize respect for the deceased, with a burial rather than cremation, and involve prayers and readings from the Torah. The Shiva, a week of mourning observed after the funeral, is a vital part of Jewish traditions and offers the family time to grieve and reflect.
Growing Number of Buddhist Funerals
As Buddhism continues to grow worldwide, the number of Buddhist funerals is on the rise, particularly in countries like the United States, where Buddhist populations have increased due to immigration. The Pew Research Center estimates that about 1% of the U.S. population identifies as Buddhist, with many coming from countries like China, Vietnam, and Thailand, where Buddhism is prevalent. The demand for Buddhist funeral services has risen with growing immigrant populations, particularly in urban centers.
In countries like Japan and Thailand, where the majority of the population is Buddhist, funeral rites are a central part of the grieving process. As these traditions migrate to the West, many funeral homes now offer services that cater specifically to Buddhist customs, ensuring that families can honor their loved ones according to their faith. This shift highlights the increasing diversity in how societies approach death and grieving.
Focusing on Final Wishes to Ease Grief
No matter the faith tradition—or if the focus is simply on celebrating a life well-lived—grief can be eased by concentrating on what your loved one wanted. Men often find it more challenging to grieve.
Dr. Eric Bui, associate director for research at the Center for Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Disorders and Complicated Grief Program at Harvard-affiliated Massachusetts General Hospital, says as men encounter the experience of losing someone important to us — a spouse, a friend, a relative — the feelings of grief will often follow.
Grief is a natural response to loss, but it is something that men are not prepared for, and they often struggle to understand how it can affect their lives.
The loss of a loved one can deeply unsettle your sense of stability, affecting both your mental and physical well-being. During grief, it's common to become absorbed by thoughts, memories, and images of the person who has passed. You may struggle to accept the reality of the loss, experiencing waves of sadness, yearning, and a profound sense of emptiness as you navigate through your emotions.
Final wishes are more than just instructions for a funeral; they reflect the individual's values and beliefs. By ensuring their wishes are honored, family members can find comfort in knowing they've done their best to fulfill their loved one's desires.
Whether planning a religious ceremony or a secular celebration of life, it's important to remember that the focus should always be on the person who has passed. By celebrating their life and fulfilling their final requests, families can help ease the grief and begin the healing process in a way that honors the loved one's legacy.