Improving Your Relationship with Aging Parents - Parenting Your Parent is Hard - Being a Caregiver More So
Before you know it, you're caring for your parents instead of them caring for you! Learn how to improve your relationship with your aging parents will benefit everyone in your family.
It's not an easy job; caregiving can affect your relationship with your parent, mental health, and lifestyle. You never expect that one day, you will care for your parents as they once cared for you. It is a role reversal which, for some, is not easy.
As aging parents become less independent and dependent on their adult children, stress increases for everyone. Children and parent relationships are significant and challenging in the best of situations. Janet Smith, families program specialist with Iowa State University Extension and Outreach, says it is not uncommon for problems to arise as parents age.
Adjusting to the changes we see in our parents is not easy. We watch our parents decline physically and perhaps mentally too. They retire and their world gets smaller. Sometimes our parents move, leaving the family home for a smaller one. One parent may pass away, changing the family situation even more.
Aging Leads to Needing Help
As people age, they will often no longer be able to perform routine tasks called "activities of daily living." They need assistance due to a chronic illness, injury, disability, mobility problem, or the frailty of aging. Sometimes you will have a parent who will need supervision due to dementia. Unfortunately, many people fail to plan for long-term health care, so as they decline, the responsibility falls on the adult children, typically one daughter or daughter-in-law.
While you should plan for your aging and declining health now, if you are a caregiver, you need to know how to juggle your many responsibilities, provide care, and maintain a good relationship with your aging parent.
As a caregiver, you understand the dilemma of role reversal and the consequences on your time and health. Your older parent may not appreciate your efforts as you would expect. Often, they are uncomfortable with the very personal nature that some long-term health care requires. Your relationship may become strained when it should be at its strongest.
Smith suggests communication. She says it is vital to talk with your parents and siblings.
Build a support network to help navigate the times ahead. The network could include neighbors, friends, family, volunteers, paid help and professionals. Each has a unique role to play. As your parents' needs increase, so will the stress and the importance of what the network provides.
Respect Each Other's Space
This step might be a struggle because you frequently must help your parent with daily tasks. Your separate spaces become one space, which can mean that you may never feel like you have alone time.
Try to find a good balance. If you are providing care in your home, your parent should have their own room. Creating a positive space that makes your parent feel comfortable is an excellent way to improve the home environment.
If you go to their home to care for them, understand you are a visitor in their home, even if you grew up in the same house. Respect their space.
It would be best to knock before entering each other's rooms, clean up when possible, and have conversations about setting boundaries. Remember how you felt as a teenager when your parent may have invaded your personal space. This time, however, your parent is still an adult and your parent - not a child.
Think From Each Other's Point of View
When you experience frustration, it's challenging to step outside of your bubble and think from someone else's point of view. However, walking in your loved one's shoes is essential to improving your relationship with your aging parents.
You feel stressed and overwhelmed. But how does your parent feel? They're living in a place with their child again, and this time, they aren't the "parent" in charge and in control. The adjustment is challenging for them too. Consider their side of the situation, then be open with them about how you feel. Understanding one another is the best way to have a better relationship and living environment.
Encourage Hobbies
Personal hobbies are the best way to pass the time. As a caregiver, you might feel like your life revolves around caring for your parent. While it's an essential job, your life is more than caregiving. Remember to take time for yourself and do what you love, whether watching TV, shopping, reading, playing video games, exercising, or otherwise!
As you encourage yourself to participate in your favorite hobbies, you should also encourage your parent to try something too! Your parent might need activities as well.
Physical activities are vital to overall health, no matter your age. However, when you are older, it becomes even more critical. Try exercising with them to help seniors maintain their physical activity
According to the CDC, adults aged 65 and older require at least 150 minutes a week (for example, 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week) of moderate-intensity activity such as brisk walking. Doing this together can also benefit you and your health.
While physical activity is essential, so is being mentally challenged. Watching TV and discussing the show afterward can be fun and mentally active. Painting and board games are also options.
Help Them Be Independent as Much as Possible
Allowing your elderly parent to do as much as they can themselves will make them stronger. By recognizing when they need help and offering it when necessary, you can encourage them to take full responsibility for themselves rather than play the role of making them unduly dependent on you.
Indeed, this may not be possible, but in many situations, there are things they can do on their own. Allowing them some independence will improve their mood as well.
Be Honest - But Respectful
Pretending you are unaware of changes in your parent's health and wellness will not help you in any way. Discuss your concerns regarding their health and safety with them respectfully and honestly.
Your parent will need to feel comfortable asking for help from you as they come to terms with any limits brought on by age. Work to build a respectful relationship with your parent so that, moving ahead, the two of you can evaluate your parent's general well-being and search for any potential difficulties.
Manage Your Stress and Seek Help
Don't allow stress to get in the way of providing your elderly parent with the proper and compassionate care. Definitely easier said than done! Your welfare and your parent depend critically on removing unneeded stress.
If you catch yourself criticizing or belittling your parent, the burden of providing care may be getting to you. Statements like these are not helpful and indicate you need to step back:
"You could have done this yourself."
"You're not trying."
"Other people your age are doing this; why not you?"
Before your stress interferes with your ability to keep a healthy relationship, you must learn how to effectively manage your stress.
The goal is to work together to create a healthy relationship and a positive environment. While the roles reverse, you can still have a wonderful life together in your older years.
Being a caregiver and maintaining your life is challenging. Many family caregivers get angry. Older adults get embarrassed. This is a family crisis.
Now that you are a caregiver, ask yourself if you want to place this burden on your children years from now? Of course not. You may not want to be a burden on your family, but have you done anything to help prevent that from happening decades from now?
Don't assume it will work out. Don't think you have "enough money" to pay for professional care. Even if you are wealthy, the responsibility of managing care and finances will still go to one of your children. That itself isn't easy.
Long-term health care is expensive. Costs are exploding nationwide. Many experts suggest an advance plan to safeguard income and assets, reduce burden and anxiety, access choice of quality care, and improve your relationship by allowing your children the time to be family instead of caregivers in the future.
Long-Term Care Insurance will offer guaranteed tax-free resources to address these concerns. However, since LTC Insurance is medically underwritten, you can't just wait until later to obtain coverage.
Several top insurance companies offer affordable policies and will provide the peace of mind of knowing you have a plan and your family can remain family. Most people get their coverage in their 50s.
Caregiving is hard and stressful. Professional care is expensive. Being prepared will help prevent some of the stress family caregivers are going through right now.
Meanwhile, if you are a caregiver, or expect to be one in the near future, seek help from other family members, friends, neighbors, and professional caregivers.
Many families use Adult Day Care Centers (ADCCs) to provide needed respite. Try to avoid going it alone. There are other types of professional care options you can also consider if it becomes necessary:
Good luck, and remember, no matter the age, they are still your parent. They deserve respect and love.