Coping with the Loss of Close Friendship as an Older Adult

Your close friend is here one day and the next day, gone. You might not even know why, but losing a close friendship can be devastating. Unlike a death, you know the other person is still there but no longer there for you. Best friends forever, perhaps not.

Losing long-term friendships in your 50s and beyond can be a deeply emotional experience, often leaving a void that feels difficult to fill. Typically cultivated over decades, a close friendship is a pillar of emotional support and continuity in a rapidly changing world.

However, life transitions such as retirement, relocation, or evolving personal interests can strain even the strongest bonds as you age. Plus, the growing trend of "gray divorce" and increased longevity can further contribute to this erosion of long-standing relationships, leading to what some experts describe as a "friendship recession" among older adults.

Your heart is broken. The phone calls, text messages, lunches, dinners, and sharing and laughter can suddenly disappear, leaving an overwhelming sense of loss. The absence of these regular, intimate connections can be deeply unsettling, making the void left behind feel almost unbearable.

Jeremy Godwin is host of the "Let's Talk About Mental Health" podcast. He says close friendships can end for many reasons.

Human relationships are complicated, and so is personal growth, so when you throw all of that into the mix, things often become messy or complicated. Changes in life circumstances, different interests and values, lack of effort and communication, unresolved conflicts, breaches of trust, envy, competition, finding yourself at different life stages, personal evolution … these factors, and more, all play significant roles in the end of friendships.

Understanding the "Friendship Recession"

There may be nothing worse than losing your best friend. However, with aging, you often lose more than one person in your life, sometimes directly associated with that close personal friend you lost.

The phrase "friendship recession" refers to the decline in close, meaningful friendships many people, particularly adults, have experienced in recent years. It's a trend that is driven by several factors, including changes in lifestyle, increased reliance on digital communication, and the challenges of maintaining deep connections amidst busy schedules.

Losing a best friend can have a ripple effect on other relationships closely tied to that primary connection. As your central friendship dissolves, shared work or personal friends may also drift away, leaving you feeling increasingly isolated. This chain reaction can lead to a "friendship recession," where you find yourself experiencing a significant decline in close, meaningful relationships.

The "friendship recession" is particularly evident among older adults, though it's not exclusive to them. As you age, you often experience significant life changes—such as retirement, relocation, or shifts in family dynamics—that can strain or even dissolve long-standing friendships.

Additionally, as responsibilities increase, whether through work, caregiving, or other obligations, many people find it harder to carve out time for socializing. During the COVID-19 pandemic, social distancing measures and lockdowns led to prolonged isolation, further exacerbating the decline in close connections.

This phenomenon is concerning because friendships are critical to emotional and psychological well-being. Research has long shown that strong social ties contribute to longer, healthier lives, providing emotional support, reducing stress, and even boosting physical health.

Yet, as the "friendship recession" deepens, many are finding themselves feeling lonelier and more isolated, which can have serious implications for mental health.

End of a Friendship Can Cause Depression

The dissolution of a close relationship can be particularly distressing because they are often intertwined with your sense of identity. Friendships formed in your working years as an adult often hold memories of shared experiences and mutual growth. When these connections begin to fray, it can feel like losing a part of yourself, leading to increased feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Research from Brigham Young University indicates that strong social ties can extend life by as much as 7.5 years, underscoring the significant health risks associated with losing close friendships​.

Loneliness can take a serious toll on both your physical and emotional health. When you lose a long-term close relationship, it can feel as if a significant part of your identity is missing. This sense of loss can lead to a range of emotional responses, such as lashing out, feeling depressed, and withdrawing from other relationships.

The impact isn't just emotional; loneliness can also lead to physical health issues, as it often results in a decrease in activity levels and can worsen existing health conditions.

Ways to Restore the Friendship

If you find yourself losing a long-term friendship, there are steps you can take to repair the damage and potentially rekindle the relationship. The first and most crucial step is open and honest communication. Reach out to express your feelings and acknowledge anything you may have done—or failed to do—that contributed to the friendship's decline. This self-awareness and willingness to take responsibility can pave the way for meaningful dialogue.

Offering an unconditional apology is often a key part of this process. A genuine apology, free of excuses or justifications, can help open the lines of communication and demonstrate your sincerity.

However, it's important to approach this with humility. Apologizing and then shifting the blame to the other person will only hinder any chance of rebuilding the relationship. If you truly value the friendship and want to restore it, focusing on understanding and healing rather than assigning blame is essential.

In addition to communicating openly and offering a heartfelt apology, it can be helpful to give the other person time and space to process the situation. Be patient and respectful of their feelings, and be willing to rebuild trust slowly. Sometimes, revisiting shared interests or creating new positive experiences together can help reinforce the bond and renew the connection.

By approaching the situation with empathy and a genuine desire to mend the relationship, you increase the chances of restoring the friendship to its former closeness.

Restoring a long-term close friendship can be a delicate process, but with careful consideration and genuine effort, it's possible to mend the relationship.

Here are some specific suggestions to approach someone and rebuild that connection:

1. Reach Out with a Thoughtful Message

Start with a simple, heartfelt message acknowledging the time that has passed and expressing a genuine desire to reconnect. You might say something like, "I've been thinking about you lately and miss our friendship. I'd love to catch up and see if we can find a way to reconnect."

2. Acknowledge the Past

In your initial communication, it's important to acknowledge any issues or misunderstandings that may have contributed to the distance. Be open about your feelings and willing to listen to their perspective as well. For example, "I realize that things may have gotten strained between us, and I want to understand what happened from your perspective."

3. Offer a Genuine Apology

If there were specific actions or words on your part that contributed to the fallout, offer a sincere and unconditional apology. Acknowledge your role without placing blame on the other person. For instance, "I'm truly sorry for how I handled things before. I realize I could have communicated better, and I regret that."

4. Suggest a Meet-Up

Propose a casual, low-pressure meet-up in a neutral setting, like grabbing a coffee or taking a walk. This allows both of you to reconnect without the pressure of a formal or intense conversation. "Would you be open to meeting up for coffee sometime? I'd love to catch up in person."

5. Be Patient and Give Space

Understand that the other person may need time to process your outreach and decide how they want to respond. Be patient and give them the space they need without pressuring them for an immediate answer.

6. Focus on Positive Memories

Remind them of the good times you've shared by bringing up positive memories. This can help rekindle the bond and create a foundation for moving forward. "I was thinking about that trip we took together, and it reminded me of how much fun we used to have."

7. Be Open to Their Response

Be prepared for any response, whether positive or negative. Listen carefully and validate their feelings, even if they're not ready to reconnect right away. This shows respect for their emotions and the history you share.

8. Take It Slow

Rebuilding a friendship, especially after a rift, takes time. Don't rush the process; allow the relationship to develop naturally. Engage in regular, but not overwhelming, communication to gradually rebuild trust and closeness.

9. Rebuild Trust through Actions

Consistent, positive actions over time are crucial for rebuilding trust. Show through your behavior that you are committed to restoring the friendship and that you value the connection.

10. Reaffirm Your Commitment

Let them know that you're committed to maintaining the friendship and that you're willing to work through any challenges that may arise. "I really value our friendship and am committed to working through whatever comes our way."

By approaching the situation with humility, empathy, and genuine intentions, you increase the likelihood of rekindling your long-term friendship and building an even stronger bond moving forward.

What Happens When Reconciliation Is Not Possible?

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, reconciliation with a long-term friend may not be possible. It's a painful reality. When this happens, it's crucial to shift your focus towards nurturing the relationships you still have and seeking out new connections that align with your current life stage.

Accepting that a best friend is no longer part of your life can be a crucial step in allowing yourself to move forward. This acceptance frees you to channel your energy into positive, life-affirming experiences that help you heal and grow. By letting go, you open yourself up to new opportunities and relationships that can bring joy and fulfillment to your life.

Acceptance - Easier Said Than Done

Accepting the loss of a close friendship can be challenging, but several strategies can help you navigate this process and move forward:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve

It's natural to feel a sense of loss when a friendship ends. Permit yourself to grieve the relationship just as you would any other significant loss. Acknowledge your feelings of sadness, anger, or disappointment without judgment.

2. Reflect on the Positive Memories

While accepting that the friendship has ended is important, reflecting on the good times you shared can help you come to terms with the loss. Remembering the positive aspects of the relationship can provide closure and help you appreciate the friendship for what it was.

3. Focus on Self-Care

Taking care of your physical and mental health is crucial during times of emotional transition. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice mindfulness, or spend time in nature. These self-care practices can help you regain a sense of balance and well-being.

4. Talk About It

Sometimes, discussing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can be helpful. Expressing your emotions aloud can provide clarity and help you process the loss in a healthy way.

5. Reframe Your Perspective

Try to view the end of the friendship as a natural part of life's ebb and flow. Friendships, like all relationships, can have seasons. Reframing the situation as an opportunity for growth and new experiences can help you move forward.

6. Set New Goals

Channel your energy into setting new personal goals or pursuing interests you may have put aside. This can provide a sense of purpose and direction, helping you to focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past.

7. Seek New Connections

While no one can replace the friend you've lost, opening yourself up to new relationships can help fill the void. Join social groups, take up new hobbies, or volunteer to meet new people who share your interests.

8. Practice Gratitude

Focus on what you still have in your life rather than what you've lost. Practicing gratitude can shift your mindset to a more positive place, helping you accept the end of the friendship with grace.

9. Be Patient with Yourself

Acceptance doesn't happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and understand that healing is a process. Give yourself the time you need to accept and move on from the loss fully.

Each of these strategies can support you in accepting the end of a friendship and moving forward in a healthy, positive way.

Is it Okay to Cry?

Yes, it is absolutely okay, even for men. Crying is a natural and healthy way to express emotions, regardless of gender. Society has traditionally expected men to be stoic and suppress their emotions, but these norms are gradually changing as we recognize the importance of emotional expression for everyone.

Some women want to manage their emotions and avoid crying. However, crying can be a good way to express a genuine emotion.

Crying can have several benefits:

• Emotional Release: Crying helps release pent-up emotions such as sadness, frustration, or grief, which can be cathartic and healing.
• Stress Relief: Shedding tears can lower stress levels by reducing the production of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress.
• Physical Benefits: Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps your body rest and digest, leading to a feeling of calm after the tears have subsided.

It's important to recognize that crying is a normal human response and a sign of strength, not weakness. Embracing this part of emotional health can lead to better mental well-being and help break down harmful stereotypes about masculinity.

Cultivating New Friendships

When you were younger, making friends often came naturally, perhaps through school, work, or shared activities. However, as we age, forming new friendships can become more challenging, especially for some individuals. The social dynamics change and opportunities to meet new people might not be as frequent as they once were.

Vicky Peterkin, MSW, LISW-CP, a Behavioral Health Counselor at HopeHealth in Georgia, highlights that research shows it typically takes about 50 hours for an acquaintance to become a casual friend and around 120 hours to develop into a close friendship. These findings underscore the importance of time and consistent interaction in building meaningful relationships.

It takes time to make friends, and some friendships will work while others may not. It's normal to feel awkward, nervous, deflated, or left out when starting a friendship, but how you respond makes the difference. Be genuine and authentic, stay positive, remember not to take things personally, and keep a growth mindset of getting out of your comfort zone to find and connect with new friends.

One of the most effective ways to fill the void left by a lost friendship is to actively seek out new social connections. Engaging in community activities, joining clubs or social groups, and pursuing hobbies can introduce you to people who share your interests and values. These interactions can help foster new, meaningful relationships that bring a sense of connection and fulfillment.

Volunteering is another excellent way to meet new people while contributing to a cause that matters to you. Volunteering not only provides a sense of purpose but also offers a structured environment where you can interact with others and build new friendships. These activities help you regain a sense of community and provide opportunities to develop relationships that can be just as enriching as those you've lost.

In addition to seeking out new friendships, nurturing the relationships you already have is equally important. Reaching out to existing friends or family members can strengthen these bonds, providing you with a crucial support system during times of emotional transition. Regularly engaging with these relationships can offer comfort and stability, helping you navigate through the feelings of loss and isolation that may arise from the end of a long-term friendship.

Focusing on your mental and physical well-being is essential during this period. The emotional impact of losing a close friend can be profound, but staying active and engaged in life can help mitigate some of the negative effects. Whether through exercise, mindfulness practices, or maintaining a balanced lifestyle, taking care of yourself ensures that you remain resilient and open to new opportunities.

While it's natural to mourn the loss of a cherished friendship, it's also important to recognize that life is full of opportunities for new connections and experiences. By embracing these possibilities, you can continue to grow and find fulfillment, even in the face of unresolved friendships.

Navigating Aging and the Loss of Close Friendships

Getting older presents its own set of challenges, and losing a close friend can make those challenges even more complicated to bear. As you age, your health and physical abilities may decline, and the deaths of friends and family members become more frequent, adding a profound layer of grief and loss to your life.

Additionally, your energy levels might diminish, making it more challenging to stay socially active, which is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being.

It's essential to maintain close friendships, even after losing someone dear. Staying active, prioritizing your health, and keeping a positive outlook on life can help you navigate the difficulties that come with aging. These efforts are vital in preserving your mental health and fostering resilience during tough times.

While some aspects of life are unpredictable, planning for retirement, aging, and potential long-term care needs is something you can and should do before you retire. A well-thought-out retirement plan, Long-Term Care Insurance, a living will, and powers of attorney can alleviate some of the stress associated with aging.

These preparations allow you to focus on enjoying life and managing the inevitable challenges, such as the loss of a close relationship, with a clearer mind and less anxiety.

Life is full of uncertainties, but with proper planning, you can handle these challenges as best you can, ensuring that you're prepared for whatever comes your way.